GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE.

I am suffocating.

Sixtyone.

My life is over until further notice.
I'm taking a mental health day/week/month/year.

I drove on the high way on Sunday.
It was the only good thing about that day.

Something beside the point.

I thought back to all of the times I've been fooled
by all of the people I was supposed to trust most in life.
I thought back to when I read his blog on el-jay.
How he's not here any more, and the last thing he said to me
was that I was worse than his mum.
I wish I could start over back from then.
I would listen to his problems.
I wouldn't talk about mine.
I'd tell Kady I love her more than I did.
I'd be honest with her about everything.
I wouldn't need new, "better" friends.
I wouldn't need a boy toy.
Because that is all that he is.
And god, I hate it so much sometimes.

I wish I could just become a nun until I have this all figured out.

A continuation to day 64.

My parents are talking about going shopping today.
Meaning I'll probably be home alone.
Whenever I am home alone, I get into a lot of trouble.
Trouble with people I love.
I know this, but I accept this.
I do not know why people love me, because I am a monster.
Maybe I wasn't always a monster, but I definitely am a monster now.
Who I am isn't who I was, or who I thought I would be.
But it is what I am right now.
And he is what keeps me from feeling so alone in the world.
Because all of the love that I hear about from people so far away makes me insane.
I thought about swallowing bleach.
But then it reminded me of somebody I used to be friends with.
So I just kind of am sitting here trying not to cry instead.
I wish I had answered his phone calls.
I wish he would text me back.
I hope he comes over tomorrow.
I hope... I hope it all works out in the end.
I hope I don't go too far and end up in the same situation I have been in before.
Becoming emotionally attached to another person I know I don't have a shot at lasting forever with.

sixty four.

I just watched Fly Away Home.
It's this movie about a teenager that has to move to Canada to live with her father after her mother dies in an automobile accident. They live on a large plot of land, and the Canadian government is trying to impose and demolish the forest area. The girl finds goose eggs and hatches them. A Wildlife officer comes and tries to clip the wings, because all domestic geese are supposed to be deemed flightless. The girl's father is an inventor, so he and a couple family members build an aviation model that is built like a goose that the girl Amy flies; leading the flock of geese to a small plot of land someplace in the US.

I hate watching things about teenagers and kids younger than me that do amasing things like that. So I was glad to find out the person that really led the actual Ultra Geese was an adult.

six.six.

I woke up at eight something because my dogs were barking.
I woke up again at eight thirty because David texted.
I haven't been back to bed since.
but this doesn't matter. i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.


On a better note, I went to Cantonment.
We were at Solutia park with Gavin and Blair.
My grandmother and her boyfriend are here.
I want food so badly.

soisante-huit. [68]

He was raped.
I was raped.
He, she, it, they, we were raped.
I type this in the smallest font because it is our secret.
A secret that holds us together.
Only one of them, though.

He held my hand and it was amazing.
I held him, he held me.
I felt like I belonged.
I fell off a tree, and he helped me back up.
If only he was her, and I didn't have to lie.
i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.

I have homework.
Homework for school and homework for not.
I think I'll do the homework for not first.
Then I'll take a shower.

Wednesday is too far away.