Negative two.

I feel dead inside.
Watched a Placebo concert.
Was having a great time then I mentioned David.
Everything went downhill from there.
Mom keeps popping up. I feel sick from the food I ate.
From the conversations I had.
My paranoia is coming back.
Thank you lord, I couldn't live being normal.
This is wear my sarcasm ends.
I'm tired and I wish everything were set in stone.

In case you haven't noticed

i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.

Maybe it's some form of code to subsitute all of the bad things I've done.
But it also represents that I am not going to wonder about love anymore.
Everything is now so clear.

Zero.

iamdonewitheverything.
It feels great not to be counting down the days anymore.
I am done with school. At least the school that I don't take online.
I am done with teachers and I am done with forty minute bus rides.
I'm going to love being able to sleep in until noon and stay up until blank o'clock.
I'm going to love moving, whether I want to admit it or not.
I talked to Kady for two or three hours the other day and yesterday/earlier today.
It seems that every time I speak to her, she gets more amazing.
And I feel less amazing.
So that is why I am going through this blog.
I am finding every blog I've written about love that wasn't felt for Kady.
And I am erasing it because the truth is she is the only person I have ever felt this way about.
Since I've started talking to her a lot again, I've been feeling a lot better.
I'm starting to think most of my problems were triggered by anxiety and paranoia.
I am glad that I am done with that. I really am.
I started to write her a letter but I think I am going to stop for now.
I want to tell my mother about her. About us. About our love and how it's not going away.
How it's like a balloon that will never stop expanding.
If it ever does, it's because it exploded we are in love so much.
Maybe I sound naive, but I'm not. I know that this is real.
I know that I never want to give her up ever again for anybody in the whole entire world.

je t'aime ma cheri.

pour toujours et toujours.

FU-EYE-VUH.

UNEEDMEMORETHANINEEDU

i feel so dead right now but yet so alive. i have no will to do anything right now. im going to sleep eventually i guess.

whenever i wake up i have biology to do. it's memorial day, and that means one thing. if you're homophobic, don't go to pensacola beach. all of the fags are out parading around topless.

i wonder what is going to happen when i leave this place. i wonder if my life will be as wild and crazy as it has been. i wonder if i will have a hard time finding friends. i wonder if i will be able to focus better on schooll. i wonder if i will be in better shape. i wonder if i will just be the same person. i wonder if i'll be even worse.

i called ryan about twenty minutes ago. he hasn't called back yet and he probably never will. it is a good thing that he was never here in the first place. at least, not completely.

i miss talking to kady so much. i listened to placebo for a long time today and it reminded me of andy and ryar and kady and me. it reminded me of e-d and when i had no life outside of the internet but it was okay. i just... i wish that i could listen to bands i like without having break downs. i wish that i was stronger than i really am.

Carve your name into my arm.

Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed.

Cause there's nothing else to do,

Every me and every you.

nIne.

I feel like I am on a boat, and the boat is out in the ocean.
And the ocean is shaken up by a great big storm overhead.
And the boat is rocking back and forth in a wild, rapid way.
And somewhere along the way it sprung a horrible leak.
So it is overflowing with all of this water from the ocean.
And the water is so cold, that it chills you to the bones.
And everybody on the boat is screaming and crying out.
And they're all reaching out to grab onto their loved ones.
But I am alone, and I am quiet as a mouse as I bob around.
I go underwater and I close my mouth to keep water out.
And then I bob up to the surface, and I am gasping for air.
And no matter how much I try to cry out for somebody,
And no matter how much I try to reach out toward anyone,
Or at least something that will keep me afloat long enough,
I fail and I start to sink deeper and deeper into the water.
Everybody else weathers the storm because of friendship.
I sink deep into the ocean depths because I was alone.
I was so incredibly alone then, and I am still alone now.

eighteen. eighteen.

APWH exam is on Thursday.
Unbirthday is on Saturday.
Exams on the 25th, 26th, 27th, 28th, and 29th.
Then I pack and go to Navarre.
I have an eerie feeling about that place.
And it makes me think that David was a little problem compared to what's coming.
Which means that there is going to be hell if my premonitions are right.
Which they almost ALWAYS are.
Anyways, I have a change over time essay to work on. Bleh.

two.three.

I do not love people any more.
Because people are the most god damn selfish animal in the world.
We've all got so many things to fucking live for.
We were brought into this world for a reason.
Maybe not all of us were wanted, and maybe not all of us are treated like fucking royalty.
I know that I have hated my life for so long, but I've realized something.
YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT IF YOU THINK DYING IS THE ONLY ANSWER TO LIVING AN UNSATISFACTORY LIFE.
Because if you're not happy with your life or who you are, or what you've made yourself...
TOO DAMN BAD, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THE SHIT YOU DID TO MAKE YOURSELF THAT WAY.
Whine whine whine.
My brother is sitting on a fucking island where he doesn't control his life.
He breathes when he's told to. He eats when he's told to. He fucking showers and gets ready for the morning in ten minutes.
On a good day.
And yet, all of us teenagers and "adults"(that fucking 18-24 age range) sit around and complain about the same material shit day in and day out.
Your life is so hard, isn't it? It's just so god damn fucking hard, and we all know you can't handle it.
So let's treat you like you're a fucking baby again, yeah?


By the way. I'm fucking DONE.
Unless your name is Kady, last name is Newman, or are one of the few kids that know what is special about May 16th; get the fuck out of my life.
I don't need to worry about you.

twenty nine.

I'm that star up in the sky. I'm that mountain peak up high.
Hey, I made it. I'm the world's greatest.

I am tired, and I am wondering how I am sleeping tonight.
There is stuff all over my bed.
Tomorrow I am going to print out my invitations to my birthday party.
And I might take somebody to dinner or the movies.
Or a few boys swimming.
Or I might be stuck home by myself packing things.
I'm saving my homework for god knows when.

Senior send off was today. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
The Back Street Boys and N*SYNC part was best by far.

Got sick from food. Wish I were dead/asleep.
Kyle forgot his yearbook. Oh well.