GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE.

I am suffocating.

Sixtyone.

My life is over until further notice.
I'm taking a mental health day/week/month/year.

I drove on the high way on Sunday.
It was the only good thing about that day.

Something beside the point.

I thought back to all of the times I've been fooled
by all of the people I was supposed to trust most in life.
I thought back to when I read his blog on el-jay.
How he's not here any more, and the last thing he said to me
was that I was worse than his mum.
I wish I could start over back from then.
I would listen to his problems.
I wouldn't talk about mine.
I'd tell Kady I love her more than I did.
I'd be honest with her about everything.
I wouldn't need new, "better" friends.
I wouldn't need a boy toy.
Because that is all that he is.
And god, I hate it so much sometimes.

I wish I could just become a nun until I have this all figured out.

A continuation to day 64.

My parents are talking about going shopping today.
Meaning I'll probably be home alone.
Whenever I am home alone, I get into a lot of trouble.
Trouble with people I love.
I know this, but I accept this.
I do not know why people love me, because I am a monster.
Maybe I wasn't always a monster, but I definitely am a monster now.
Who I am isn't who I was, or who I thought I would be.
But it is what I am right now.
And he is what keeps me from feeling so alone in the world.
Because all of the love that I hear about from people so far away makes me insane.
I thought about swallowing bleach.
But then it reminded me of somebody I used to be friends with.
So I just kind of am sitting here trying not to cry instead.
I wish I had answered his phone calls.
I wish he would text me back.
I hope he comes over tomorrow.
I hope... I hope it all works out in the end.
I hope I don't go too far and end up in the same situation I have been in before.
Becoming emotionally attached to another person I know I don't have a shot at lasting forever with.

sixty four.

I just watched Fly Away Home.
It's this movie about a teenager that has to move to Canada to live with her father after her mother dies in an automobile accident. They live on a large plot of land, and the Canadian government is trying to impose and demolish the forest area. The girl finds goose eggs and hatches them. A Wildlife officer comes and tries to clip the wings, because all domestic geese are supposed to be deemed flightless. The girl's father is an inventor, so he and a couple family members build an aviation model that is built like a goose that the girl Amy flies; leading the flock of geese to a small plot of land someplace in the US.

I hate watching things about teenagers and kids younger than me that do amasing things like that. So I was glad to find out the person that really led the actual Ultra Geese was an adult.

six.six.

I woke up at eight something because my dogs were barking.
I woke up again at eight thirty because David texted.
I haven't been back to bed since.
but this doesn't matter. i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.


On a better note, I went to Cantonment.
We were at Solutia park with Gavin and Blair.
My grandmother and her boyfriend are here.
I want food so badly.

soisante-huit. [68]

He was raped.
I was raped.
He, she, it, they, we were raped.
I type this in the smallest font because it is our secret.
A secret that holds us together.
Only one of them, though.

He held my hand and it was amazing.
I held him, he held me.
I felt like I belonged.
I fell off a tree, and he helped me back up.
If only he was her, and I didn't have to lie.
i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.

I have homework.
Homework for school and homework for not.
I think I'll do the homework for not first.
Then I'll take a shower.

Wednesday is too far away.

69 days to go.

There is nothing I can really say lately other than this.
I am moving in June.
I do not want to move in June.
School ends in sixty-nine days.
This may be the last time I ever have such good friends.
I took them for granted for so long.
It's time for me to cherish something instead of being selfish.

I love how parents act exactly like high schoolers.
Oh, except they don't hesitate to follow through with their threats.
Yelling is not a civil thing to do.
However, gagging your daughter with a dishtowel is!

Friendship is a whore. It takes too much.

Going to sleep. I feel sick.
I'm sick of people.
I'm so glad none of my real friends read this shit.
They'd be so lost by now.
Can't wait for tomorrow. Can't wait for a turkey and bacon sammich.
Can't wait for FCAT to be done.
Can't wait for my parents to shut up.
Can't wait for David and Keith and Cara and Avalon and all of my friends at school.
They're the only people that I can talk to without freaking out.

I feel so untouched and I want you so much.

i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.

I'm pulled in every which direction.

Head.
Inside: i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.
Outside: New hair cut because I was getting bored with the old one.

Heart.
Inside: Pain. I can't believe how stupid I am.

Body.
Inside: Overwhelming emotions. I don't know. It's so weird. I hate this state of limbo.
Outiside: scars. smears of ink. Reminders of how paradoxical I am. I hate it.

Home.
Inside: A hopeless teenager sitting next to a flat diet coke, waiting for a text message or a phone call.
Outside: Endless possibilities that I hope to pursue.

I cannot wait for the weekend.

Chemically charged.

Bio and History Notes.
Bio review.
Sources for English.
It's going to be a BUSY Sunday.

P.S-
I feel more deaf than normal in my left ear lately. I blame Ryan.
For all of the late-night phone calls. XD

I feel like I'm on fire, and my tears are gasoline.

I need to clean my room. So that is what I am going to start doing.
I need to get rid of a lot of stuff. I need to do a lot of homework.
Mostly, I need to say goodbye.

I don't want to be the new kid. Not now, not anymore.
Tyler gave me a ride, and it reminded me of what I'm going to miss.
There won't be any De-pot the House, Jeffree Star X-Rays, Lesbots,
Banana Rivers, or Random Black Guy in the BG Jacking off.
Not in Navarre or Mary-Esther, anyways.

I'm missing a book. I'm missing my mind.
I should go now. Before I go insane.

(1:33:19 AM):It's up to you.
(1:33:26 AM):I want it to be up to you.
(1:33:34 AM):I don't know what you want.
(1:33:41 AM):So it can't be up to me.
(1:33:47 AM):But you know what you want
(1:33:48 AM):You know exactly what I want.
(1:33:50 AM):which is what I want
(1:33:57 AM):so then what do you want, Shane?
(1:34:03 AM):You.
(1:34:13 AM):Then that's what you can have.

none of this matters anymore because i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.

Dear God:
Please let me have one thing in my life that doesn't fail.
And please, god, let that thing be our love.
i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.