(8:33:48 PM):I'm not stable. I know you're not either, but. I don't know, I'm so fucking out of the ball arena of even being close to stable.
(8:34:21 PM):I stuck by your side, I gave you time, and I didn't leave, I kept trying.

honestly, I won't get to sleep tonight.
It's killing me, boy can't we make this right?

Fact: I miss him so goddamn much.
Fiction: I dreamt about him again last night.


none of this matters anymore for i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.

(10:37:48 PM): No one could compare to you in my eyes, no matter what. You have always been more beautiful, more amazing, and untouchable.

It's bad that I still melt down whenever he says these things, isn't it?

none of this matters anymore. i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.

in an escape from myself.

Once, when I was really depressed, I made a list of things I'd never do again.
One of them was cry.
I've done a lot of crying lately, and I feel so fucking weak.
I cry because of the weather, because of school, because of people.

because of him.
I feel so alone. Everybody is just going on in life.
I'm in neutral. Kind of like Charlie from the Perks.
I hate being like characters.
I want to be myself again.

Really, I'm kind of balancing on the tilt of life.
I want to live, but I also want to die.
I don't know if this pain is worth it.
I'm too numb. Too lost. Too hurt.

I realised the slowest way to kill yourself is to ruin everything you loved.

dot dot dot.

I feel like a failure every day now.
I don't have nice clothes.
I don't have nice hair.
I don't hang out with the nice little ordinary people.
I don't play a sport.
I don't do anything but sit around and mope lately.


I'd be better off dead. Because I'm just dead weight.
Ninety pounds of it.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind stands strong in my favorites of all time.

I don't know where I'm going with this, because I don't know who I am.
What i know is what I like, and what I hate. Your pretty face falls under both.

I like watching television about dead people. dead places. dead movements.
I like watching anything that is considered contraversial.
Give me a marathon of the Steve Wilkos Show, The L Word, Queer as Folk, Skins, Intervention...
I'm set for a while.
I used to love SVU, but it's never on when I look anymore.
Plus, it during the marathon when he broke my heart for the first time.
More than television, I love movies. But not your normal movies.
During the summer I spent my time watching any and every movie I could find that sounded interesting.
I stopped at number one hundred and sixty-something, I think.
I kind of lost track because then school started, and I lost time for everything.

I love playing pretend, dreaming, and writing.
All of these things go hand in hand.
People say I live my life in my head too much.
Maybe it's true, but I think that the world should be glad.
if I were on planet Earth all of the time, people would hate it.
They would hate me a lot more than they do.
When I grow up I want to be a famous writer.
I want to write about things that make people cry, laugh, smile, yell...
and feel like the book was written all for them.

In general, I am afraid. I don't know what I'm afraid of, but I am afraid.
I'm afraid of people. I'm afraid of being loved, but also not being loved.
I'm afraid that one day I will go to sleep and it will be over; it will be the end.
I used to want the end to come sooner than it is, but now...
Now I wish that I could live for another million years.
Maybe reincarnation exists, and I will be able to.
I would do a lot of things differently.

I think the main thing I'm afraid of, though, is me.

period nine to the third power repeating. Elly[bear]

Anything and everything belongs here.
Elly is the side of me that I let everybody see. It's the biggest lie.
She's the happy-go-lucky, nobody can touch me kind of person.
She's the person whom, if you mess with her or somebody she loves, she will kill you.
She gets you to fall in love with her falling in love with you.
Then she pushes you away.

Without her I am lonely and depressed.
But sometimes it's better without her, because she's not afraid.
of anything.
If you offered her pills or alcohol, she'd take it.
That's what makes me wish she were dead.

She used to be Stevie, Steph, whatever you knew her a.
All of that is dead now, though. And that's all that matters.

Oh God, I think I'm falling out of the sky.

Another fucking Holocaust project.
I hate Mrs. Greene.
Je deteste le mechant chienne.
Elle est tres gros est bete.
Je adore parler de elle en français avec mes amis.

That was the best thing I've said in french all year. :]

I like my new bunny suit.

lahfglhglhagl.
I cheated.
Icheated.Icheated.Icheated.
I couldn't remember the answers to my bio test, so I wrote down most of them on my hand.
I felt bad. Fake. False. I felt horrible.
I've only ever cheated on two things before. And both times I got really sick.
But this time, I feel nothing. I feel like I did what I needed to.
It's the survival of the fittest, after all.

planet full of unicorns.

Today was pretty much an average day. Haha, yeah.
I went about trying to get people to say I'm small enough to be a koala.
Cara was high as fuck this morning.
We had a send-off for our girl's basketball team. They're going to the state championship somewhere in FL.
I need an idea for a research paper D: God I hate english.


I kind of want to go to a creative writing program in the summer.
It would be good on my application. But I need to get CAS hours this summer.
Plus it's too expensive.


Oh, I started to help my mom pull up the dead stuff in our garden.
My dad is going to count it as a service project.
So that means I get like 5 CAS hours for it.

BTW, CAS hours are Creative Active Service hours I have to get to be elligible for an IB induction and an IB diploma.
I need 150 by the end of next summer, and I have about fifteen right now.

I feel so weird today, but I don't know why.
I lost my retainer last night.

Oh, I texted Emilie. She's doing good, but I still miss her.
She's one of the most amasing people I've met.
And her moms are pretty kickass, too.
I just wish that I could have the disease instead of her.
She has such a brighter future ahead of her.
If she doesn't come back to graduate, I'm going to make sure we remember her somehow.

My head is exploding and my hand is a krypt.

Sam I am. I do not like green eggs and ham.
Sam I am not. My surname is Sir Lesbot.
I can't breathe you in too deep
I'm sure if I do, I might just sink.
I wish that I could, because then I could stop.
STOP.
And everything would be perfectly benign and dormant.
I hate the weather. I hate the plants. I hate the trees.
I hate the ants that crawled in through the cracks of his mind.
With the spiders that infested his head with thoughts that could not be unthought.
Where is my mind? Where is his mind? Where are everybodies minds?
London bridge. Brooklyn Bridge. Golden Gate, Garden State.
DKZ and Chuck E. Cheese.
Dot dot not. space. dash dot dash dash dot.
SPIDER MONKEY
breatheinbreatheoutbreatheinbreatheout
SHOUT SHOUT LET IT ALL OUT
The sun never sets on the british empire.
There's three ways to solve.
domain kingdom phylum class order family species.
The most moving part was when Iglek was playing Beethoven's concerto (which I bet was the 5th). Then moments later, when Eliezer woke, Iglek and the violin were dead.
dead dead dead!
D.E`A-D!


i promise i'm okay.

point six six six repeating- Lucas.

This was previously Lucy and Demitrius.
The superfaggy boy that could be either a super hero or a super villian.
He's really confusing, but the one I know most about.
He comes out in my words a lot.
He likes to play tricks on people, to make them love me.
But then he ruins all of that and I'm left with nobody.
But I don't know.
Sometimes he wants to run about and get fucking high,
so that he can take over.
Because Stephanie would never ever ever ever do those things.

The one thing I love about him, though.
Is that hardly anybody truly knows him.
He's my little secret.

point three repeating; one side of me- Stephanie

People complain of not knowing me. So I guess... This would help.

I'm not sure if Stephanie is the shell or the core.
It's the least important person of me, but it's the only person that truly exists.
12.30.93. Since then, she/I've changed so much.
I don't even know what Stephanie is like, what part she is.
She's just the default. The generic person everybody is stuck with.
At least until somebody else shows up.
At this point in time, I'm scared that one day nobody else will show up.
Then the world will be left with boring, generic Stephanie.

a word that describes anything and nothing at the same time.

over.

I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, pretending the echoes belong to someone; someone I used to know.

When I was younger, my oldest brother was really distant.
I don't really have any memories of him.
Everybody has these amasing memories of hyperactive Richard,
but I have absolutely no memories of him from when I was younger.
I just remember hitting him with a baseball bat, and fighting with him and Kevin.

Kevin and I used to be best friends.
When I was three, I told him I wanted to marry him
because he was my best friend and my favorite brother.
I regret playing favorites, but sometimes...
I feel like he's my only brother, because Richard doesn't exist to me as a brother.
At least not from when we were younger.

When I was four turning five, we lived in New Orleans.
I went to a private pre-kindergarten(yeah, that's why I'm so smart)
so I really didn't know many people.
Plus, New Orleans isn't like Pensacola-- you can't run around with kids.
I had two friends in my neighborhood, Destiny and Jaqueline.
Plus Kevin, and Frankie (Jaqueline's older brother)
On my fifth birthday, we went to Discovery Zone, and then got popeyes.
I have a picture of that day, but I don't remember much of it.

I just remember that Kevin and I used to have a bunch of jokes between us.
Franklin and Jackie. Turkish Delight.
Now, I feel like Kevin is fading, too.
If I knew how to paint, I would fill him in.
It would be like a color-by-numbers.
No matter what, though, the colors wouldn't be right.
Kevin is too unique. He's not like me, all overrated and trite.
Like a romance novel or an overplayed top 100 song.

The cigarette ash flies in your eyes, and you don't mind.

February 4th, 2007.
I miss that day. I was thirteen, small, awkward, and even then I wasn't sure where my place in the world was.
My brother, mom, and I were out at a local restaurant.
I was in trouble because a few nights before I snuck out.
I was supposed to go to a concert a month and four days later, but they threatened to not let me go.
My brother was about to leave to go bowling with his girlfriend and invited me along.
It was calming.
We played a few games with the bumpers and a few without.
Either way, I kind of sucked. But I love bowling.
Blair and I talked, and I tried to write. I didn't write much that night.
But she got drunk, and in the process of being drunk, convinced my brother to still take me to the concert.
When we were on our way to take me home (we were in Cantonment, where my brother and Blair lived. It's a township that is part of Pensacola, but not.) we stopped at a gas station so they could get cigarettes.
Have you ever paid attention to the lights of a gas station at night?
It makes you feel like you're up in space, about to get on a space ship.
Then we drove off, and the smell of the smoke would flow back into the windows and I could smell it.
I don't think I'll ever smoke, but the smell was comforting.
I could see the lights of the cars behind us reflected in the side mirrors, and the car lights in front of us.
As we drove, I felt amazing. I felt like I belonged.
Then we stopped at a wal mart, and they included me in all of their little jokes.
It was great, but then I was back at home. Back in reality.
That's how I feel every day now.
Something amazing happens, but then I realize it's time to come back down to earth.
Sometimes, I wish I had a way to stay up in space.
I love the idea of just floating up there with stars and planets surrounding me.

I remember when we were driving, driving in your car.

I think... I really do want to marry Kady.
I was going to propose to her once before.
But now... I really want to.
We know we love eachother, and it's just this ominous
thing. That just floats around us whenever we're speaking.
I'd get her the best ring in the world.
I want her to have all of the nice things I can give her.
To know that I love her.

I had a meal last night without getting sick after it.
Hopefully I will have a meal tonight without getting sick.
There's no homework, so nothing to do.
Which is actually kind of lame.

Today was Emilie's last day. I miss her now.
I just... I hope for the best.

Slow dancing in a burning room.

I spent the day today talking to Kady. It reminded me of the summer of or after sixth grade. We talked all night and all day. She made sure I was alive and eating well and sleeping. She was my angel looking after me when I was "sick". I think I'm getting "sick" again.

I broke up with Shane. It was the most bittersweet day of my life. I spent all day making videos back and forth with Kady. About how in our future, sharing a bed with one another would be amazing. And it will be very Canadian. You know how much I love being Canadian.

She is doing the laundry and I am procrastinating. I'm also kind of doing homework, but not really. I wish Kady were my homework. /end sexual joke.

because it's okay to rest for a little while.

I wrote this song for a friend of mine. It's one of those metaphorical songs. She has hodgkins lymphoma, which is a curable type of cancer with a survival rate of 80-90 percent. I spent a few hours at her house today and the walls reminded me of the sun.

You wake up
it's a Monday morning.
The sun is low
but it's ready to rise
and it's ready to shine.
I want to wash your troubles away
I'll be your friend
for as long as you want me to stay.
I'll be a raging river
carrying away the dirt from the ground
and leaving everything brand new.
Hey Emilie,
I'll do this all for you.

We don't have to move around too fast.
You can lay down if you want to.
If it's too early for your eyes
you can close them for a while.
I won't leave you when you're down.
Just promise me
you'll be up again
in time to see the sun rise.

We can take a break from reality
scream along to the radio
in the middle of a morning traffic jam
it's hardly eight a.m.
we don't have to do anything
and we don't have to go around the town.
I'll be here when you wake
to wait for you to put on your face.
I promise you can rest for a while
just promise me
you don't want to go back to sleep.

We don't have to move around too fast.
You can lay down if you want to.
If it's too early for your eyes
you can close them for a while.
I won't leave you when you're down.
Just promise me
you'll be up again
in time to see the sun rise.

So get ready to go.
The sun is up
and it's shining so bright.
It's waiting up in the sky
sending down a message just for you.
It's shining it's brightest today
hoping you'll stay around long enough
to watch it go back down.
And then tomorrow
we can wake up
and wait for it to rise again.

You wouldn't like me if you knew me.

Do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song? Do I push it down or let it run me right into the ground?

There is nothing that I can say about myself that anybody would ever care to know. I know that nobody will ever read this. I do not trust anybody to, really. I always censor myself on the internet, because I know that people are always too quick to judge. I am not the kind of person you would want to take home to your mother and father, after all. It's a good thing you would never want to.

The only thing I am not afraid to say is that my name is not Lucas. I have too many names for all of the sides of me. Maybe you'll get to know one of them, if you're special enough. Nobody knows all of them, trust me. I think I might just try to keep it that way. I am not very trusting of people. I do not trust people to know the truth behind why I am who I am.

Sometimes I think that is why.