if you haven't realized,

I have a new blog. It is http://twopartpersonality.blogspot.com/
I abandoned this one for a sincere reason.
I just don't know what it is yet.

Something I have been struggling with for a while now.

I hate not knowing what is going on in third world countries in the Middle East where we are sending millions of people to fight and most commonly end up dying. What is worse is that my brother is in training to follow in the footsteps of all of these guys. They're still sending troops out to Afghanistan. A lot of those troops are Marines, and a lot of them are getting killed. My brother gets out of training in about two and a half months, and school will take about a year after that if not more to complete. I am hoping by then that this war is over, because I do not want my brother to come home in pieces after being deployed to some war frenzied country. What I can't understand most, though, is why the fuck anybody would want to die for a whole bunch of ungrateful people.

two weeks and some change

It still feels so weird being here.
I haven't really done much, and I still have a lot of stuff to unpack.
I'm just afraid that if I take this on in an assertive manner, I will become homesick for Pensacola.
My grandmother and her boyfriend visited this week for a few days.
It felt kind of weird almost. I don't know.
Right now my head hurts a bit and I need to brush my teeth.
I want to see My Sister's Keeper but my mom informed me that AT&T might be sending people out here to fix our phones.
Oh joy, right?

when you were mine

I can't stop listening to tegan & sara.
So read my lyrics

I'm walking past the factories with my arms stretched out wide
If this were my oasis you'd walk along side me all day
then we'd run past the houses they're building in place
of all of the memories we have yet to create

We can drift through the ocean with the tides dragging us
and we'll get lost for hours beneath the sun in the sea
we'll watch it go down and the sky fade to gray
I'll tether you to my heart like a boat to a dock
and you'll never be more than a few feet away

I know I might sound hopeless
but I can't keep from wondering
what it could feel like
to fill the empty space by your side

So we'll walk through the allys and we'll stroll down the sidewalk
sI'll be held on earth with your arms wrapped around me
and I'll never feel more free than I do beside you
and as the shadows begin to fill me with fear
I will smile up towards you at the words that you whisper
in hopes that you will become my savior tonight

The stars start to blend into the shadows of the sun
and all the clocks in the city strike half past the hour
it's gotten late and my heart's gotten cold
but your voice helps to make me not feel so alone
It may only be an hour til you decide to go home
but promise me this won't be the last time I see you around

I know I might sound hopeless
but I can't keep from wondering
what it could feel like
to fill the empty space by your side

There isn't much to say, so I'll sum everything up in this unfinished song

When I heard your voice for the first time
I swear I started to lose my mind
and it killed me inside when you left me behind
because I was so afraid
I thought I would never see you again

So please just stay with me
hold me by your side and promise me
you will always stay right here
because when you are around I feel so weak
I start stumbling, rambling
tripping on every sentence that I speak
but I don't think I'll ever
want to feel anything other than this

One more day in this one horse town.

I am going to miss the ball park.
I am going to miss the parades.
I am going to miss the music stores.
I am going to miss the walks down town.
I am going to miss Gina.
I am going to miss my mother's friends.
I am going to miss everybody and everything about this place.
Well, almost everybody.
I'm not going to miss him.

I SAID NO, YOU FUCKING BASTARD.
NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

I am slightly annoyed.
I don't know where my Cobra Starship shirt is.
Do you have a clue?

sitting in an empty house

The computer won't shut up with its annoying whirring created by the fact that it is suckish and overheats all the damn time.
I mopped the sunroom today because it smelled like piss thanks to the lack of house training my dogs have had.
My mom was slightly suprised I got off my ass and did something other than bum movies off of channels we got for the summer, sleep, and avoid eating.

I've only had about seven hundred calories of food today. It is horrible, really. I've probably drank more calories than I've eaten.
It's not like I'm trying not to eat, it just happens you know? I get hungry right before I sleep so I eat a few skittles or a spearmint candy and then I pass out. When I wake up, it's like somehow the empty hole that is my stomach has been filled in with cement. So I eat something light, and then I eat something else a few hours later. Then mom comes home around seven and makes spaghetti, and I stare at the meat while she makes it and I almost throw up. But damn, Ragu is the best damn thing I've had all year.

I tried to get all the way through lesson 1.08 done for my geometry course today, but I can't take my Lesson 6 exam because it's proctored and password protected and I do not have either things available to me. Which is why I kind of feel like telling my e-teach that she's nice and all but her multi-coloured email fonts and constant encouragement and praises just make me want to scream.

I am afraid to pick up the phone again, by the way. I kind of wonder if people DON'T realize that my dad literally has a member of the CIA on speed dial.

Negative two.

I feel dead inside.
Watched a Placebo concert.
Was having a great time then I mentioned David.
Everything went downhill from there.
Mom keeps popping up. I feel sick from the food I ate.
From the conversations I had.
My paranoia is coming back.
Thank you lord, I couldn't live being normal.
This is wear my sarcasm ends.
I'm tired and I wish everything were set in stone.

In case you haven't noticed

i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.

Maybe it's some form of code to subsitute all of the bad things I've done.
But it also represents that I am not going to wonder about love anymore.
Everything is now so clear.

Zero.

iamdonewitheverything.
It feels great not to be counting down the days anymore.
I am done with school. At least the school that I don't take online.
I am done with teachers and I am done with forty minute bus rides.
I'm going to love being able to sleep in until noon and stay up until blank o'clock.
I'm going to love moving, whether I want to admit it or not.
I talked to Kady for two or three hours the other day and yesterday/earlier today.
It seems that every time I speak to her, she gets more amazing.
And I feel less amazing.
So that is why I am going through this blog.
I am finding every blog I've written about love that wasn't felt for Kady.
And I am erasing it because the truth is she is the only person I have ever felt this way about.
Since I've started talking to her a lot again, I've been feeling a lot better.
I'm starting to think most of my problems were triggered by anxiety and paranoia.
I am glad that I am done with that. I really am.
I started to write her a letter but I think I am going to stop for now.
I want to tell my mother about her. About us. About our love and how it's not going away.
How it's like a balloon that will never stop expanding.
If it ever does, it's because it exploded we are in love so much.
Maybe I sound naive, but I'm not. I know that this is real.
I know that I never want to give her up ever again for anybody in the whole entire world.

je t'aime ma cheri.

pour toujours et toujours.

FU-EYE-VUH.

UNEEDMEMORETHANINEEDU

i feel so dead right now but yet so alive. i have no will to do anything right now. im going to sleep eventually i guess.

whenever i wake up i have biology to do. it's memorial day, and that means one thing. if you're homophobic, don't go to pensacola beach. all of the fags are out parading around topless.

i wonder what is going to happen when i leave this place. i wonder if my life will be as wild and crazy as it has been. i wonder if i will have a hard time finding friends. i wonder if i will be able to focus better on schooll. i wonder if i will be in better shape. i wonder if i will just be the same person. i wonder if i'll be even worse.

i called ryan about twenty minutes ago. he hasn't called back yet and he probably never will. it is a good thing that he was never here in the first place. at least, not completely.

i miss talking to kady so much. i listened to placebo for a long time today and it reminded me of andy and ryar and kady and me. it reminded me of e-d and when i had no life outside of the internet but it was okay. i just... i wish that i could listen to bands i like without having break downs. i wish that i was stronger than i really am.

Carve your name into my arm.

Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed.

Cause there's nothing else to do,

Every me and every you.

nIne.

I feel like I am on a boat, and the boat is out in the ocean.
And the ocean is shaken up by a great big storm overhead.
And the boat is rocking back and forth in a wild, rapid way.
And somewhere along the way it sprung a horrible leak.
So it is overflowing with all of this water from the ocean.
And the water is so cold, that it chills you to the bones.
And everybody on the boat is screaming and crying out.
And they're all reaching out to grab onto their loved ones.
But I am alone, and I am quiet as a mouse as I bob around.
I go underwater and I close my mouth to keep water out.
And then I bob up to the surface, and I am gasping for air.
And no matter how much I try to cry out for somebody,
And no matter how much I try to reach out toward anyone,
Or at least something that will keep me afloat long enough,
I fail and I start to sink deeper and deeper into the water.
Everybody else weathers the storm because of friendship.
I sink deep into the ocean depths because I was alone.
I was so incredibly alone then, and I am still alone now.

eighteen. eighteen.

APWH exam is on Thursday.
Unbirthday is on Saturday.
Exams on the 25th, 26th, 27th, 28th, and 29th.
Then I pack and go to Navarre.
I have an eerie feeling about that place.
And it makes me think that David was a little problem compared to what's coming.
Which means that there is going to be hell if my premonitions are right.
Which they almost ALWAYS are.
Anyways, I have a change over time essay to work on. Bleh.

two.three.

I do not love people any more.
Because people are the most god damn selfish animal in the world.
We've all got so many things to fucking live for.
We were brought into this world for a reason.
Maybe not all of us were wanted, and maybe not all of us are treated like fucking royalty.
I know that I have hated my life for so long, but I've realized something.
YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT IF YOU THINK DYING IS THE ONLY ANSWER TO LIVING AN UNSATISFACTORY LIFE.
Because if you're not happy with your life or who you are, or what you've made yourself...
TOO DAMN BAD, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THE SHIT YOU DID TO MAKE YOURSELF THAT WAY.
Whine whine whine.
My brother is sitting on a fucking island where he doesn't control his life.
He breathes when he's told to. He eats when he's told to. He fucking showers and gets ready for the morning in ten minutes.
On a good day.
And yet, all of us teenagers and "adults"(that fucking 18-24 age range) sit around and complain about the same material shit day in and day out.
Your life is so hard, isn't it? It's just so god damn fucking hard, and we all know you can't handle it.
So let's treat you like you're a fucking baby again, yeah?


By the way. I'm fucking DONE.
Unless your name is Kady, last name is Newman, or are one of the few kids that know what is special about May 16th; get the fuck out of my life.
I don't need to worry about you.

twenty nine.

I'm that star up in the sky. I'm that mountain peak up high.
Hey, I made it. I'm the world's greatest.

I am tired, and I am wondering how I am sleeping tonight.
There is stuff all over my bed.
Tomorrow I am going to print out my invitations to my birthday party.
And I might take somebody to dinner or the movies.
Or a few boys swimming.
Or I might be stuck home by myself packing things.
I'm saving my homework for god knows when.

Senior send off was today. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
The Back Street Boys and N*SYNC part was best by far.

Got sick from food. Wish I were dead/asleep.
Kyle forgot his yearbook. Oh well.

thirty.

It has been a while since I have been on here.
It's been a while since I have been anywhere except space.
I don't know what I've been doing, honestly.
I have David, Paul, Jose and Ryan over all weekend minus Friday.
That was a mistake, of course.
I am torn in two pieces again.

I talked to Kady the other night. It was brief, but enough to keep me alive.
I am ready for the summer.
I want to get out of here so fast.
I don't want ot have to deal with boys any longer.
Especially boys named David.

I thought about living off of vitamin water and power bars for a while. I might do that, honestly.
Even though it will upset a certain boy and a certain girl.
And neither name starts with a D.

four. seven.

Kady's birthday is tomorrow. I love her.
I found the rings I'm giving her.
God I feel so weird.
I'm fifteen and I can barely drive,
but I'm technically engaged.
People find it strange. Both cause it's a girl and because I'm young.
Oh well. They can roll over and die.

I am really tired.
Working on some late homework then passing out.

Fifty-four and we're rolling downhill.

He didn't come over.
She called.
I am so tired.
I am watching Parent Trap and FINALLY the dish stopped cutting out.
I love this movie so much.
It's such a shame about the woman in it who died during the ski accident.
That is probably why they are playing it.

I am thinking about working on my story.
I have a week to myself with only a few things to do.
On Thursday I am going to Choctawhatchee [Chawk-taw-hatchy] and Navarre.
The two schools that I have to choose between.

Anyways I'm going to lay back down now.
Writing seems like a better idea by the minute.
The television keeps cutting out.

Fifty five.

It is scary that time is going by so fast.
This weekend was fun.
I spent time with my friends in the neighborhood on Friday.


Then Saturday I drove up to Sonic to meet some friends.
Yes, I actually was the one driving.
And no, I didn't crash and die.
We ran across the high way and went to Wal Mart.
then we went to Josh's.

Today I went and looked at the new house and got drapes.
They're lime green. :]
I'm currently talking to Alys, typing this shit, and looking for stuff to put in my new room.

GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE.

I am suffocating.

Sixtyone.

My life is over until further notice.
I'm taking a mental health day/week/month/year.

I drove on the high way on Sunday.
It was the only good thing about that day.

Something beside the point.

I thought back to all of the times I've been fooled
by all of the people I was supposed to trust most in life.
I thought back to when I read his blog on el-jay.
How he's not here any more, and the last thing he said to me
was that I was worse than his mum.
I wish I could start over back from then.
I would listen to his problems.
I wouldn't talk about mine.
I'd tell Kady I love her more than I did.
I'd be honest with her about everything.
I wouldn't need new, "better" friends.
I wouldn't need a boy toy.
Because that is all that he is.
And god, I hate it so much sometimes.

I wish I could just become a nun until I have this all figured out.

A continuation to day 64.

My parents are talking about going shopping today.
Meaning I'll probably be home alone.
Whenever I am home alone, I get into a lot of trouble.
Trouble with people I love.
I know this, but I accept this.
I do not know why people love me, because I am a monster.
Maybe I wasn't always a monster, but I definitely am a monster now.
Who I am isn't who I was, or who I thought I would be.
But it is what I am right now.
And he is what keeps me from feeling so alone in the world.
Because all of the love that I hear about from people so far away makes me insane.
I thought about swallowing bleach.
But then it reminded me of somebody I used to be friends with.
So I just kind of am sitting here trying not to cry instead.
I wish I had answered his phone calls.
I wish he would text me back.
I hope he comes over tomorrow.
I hope... I hope it all works out in the end.
I hope I don't go too far and end up in the same situation I have been in before.
Becoming emotionally attached to another person I know I don't have a shot at lasting forever with.

sixty four.

I just watched Fly Away Home.
It's this movie about a teenager that has to move to Canada to live with her father after her mother dies in an automobile accident. They live on a large plot of land, and the Canadian government is trying to impose and demolish the forest area. The girl finds goose eggs and hatches them. A Wildlife officer comes and tries to clip the wings, because all domestic geese are supposed to be deemed flightless. The girl's father is an inventor, so he and a couple family members build an aviation model that is built like a goose that the girl Amy flies; leading the flock of geese to a small plot of land someplace in the US.

I hate watching things about teenagers and kids younger than me that do amasing things like that. So I was glad to find out the person that really led the actual Ultra Geese was an adult.

six.six.

I woke up at eight something because my dogs were barking.
I woke up again at eight thirty because David texted.
I haven't been back to bed since.
but this doesn't matter. i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.


On a better note, I went to Cantonment.
We were at Solutia park with Gavin and Blair.
My grandmother and her boyfriend are here.
I want food so badly.

soisante-huit. [68]

He was raped.
I was raped.
He, she, it, they, we were raped.
I type this in the smallest font because it is our secret.
A secret that holds us together.
Only one of them, though.

He held my hand and it was amazing.
I held him, he held me.
I felt like I belonged.
I fell off a tree, and he helped me back up.
If only he was her, and I didn't have to lie.
i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.

I have homework.
Homework for school and homework for not.
I think I'll do the homework for not first.
Then I'll take a shower.

Wednesday is too far away.

69 days to go.

There is nothing I can really say lately other than this.
I am moving in June.
I do not want to move in June.
School ends in sixty-nine days.
This may be the last time I ever have such good friends.
I took them for granted for so long.
It's time for me to cherish something instead of being selfish.

I love how parents act exactly like high schoolers.
Oh, except they don't hesitate to follow through with their threats.
Yelling is not a civil thing to do.
However, gagging your daughter with a dishtowel is!

Friendship is a whore. It takes too much.

Going to sleep. I feel sick.
I'm sick of people.
I'm so glad none of my real friends read this shit.
They'd be so lost by now.
Can't wait for tomorrow. Can't wait for a turkey and bacon sammich.
Can't wait for FCAT to be done.
Can't wait for my parents to shut up.
Can't wait for David and Keith and Cara and Avalon and all of my friends at school.
They're the only people that I can talk to without freaking out.

I feel so untouched and I want you so much.

i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.

I'm pulled in every which direction.

Head.
Inside: i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.
Outside: New hair cut because I was getting bored with the old one.

Heart.
Inside: Pain. I can't believe how stupid I am.

Body.
Inside: Overwhelming emotions. I don't know. It's so weird. I hate this state of limbo.
Outiside: scars. smears of ink. Reminders of how paradoxical I am. I hate it.

Home.
Inside: A hopeless teenager sitting next to a flat diet coke, waiting for a text message or a phone call.
Outside: Endless possibilities that I hope to pursue.

I cannot wait for the weekend.

Chemically charged.

Bio and History Notes.
Bio review.
Sources for English.
It's going to be a BUSY Sunday.

P.S-
I feel more deaf than normal in my left ear lately. I blame Ryan.
For all of the late-night phone calls. XD

I feel like I'm on fire, and my tears are gasoline.

I need to clean my room. So that is what I am going to start doing.
I need to get rid of a lot of stuff. I need to do a lot of homework.
Mostly, I need to say goodbye.

I don't want to be the new kid. Not now, not anymore.
Tyler gave me a ride, and it reminded me of what I'm going to miss.
There won't be any De-pot the House, Jeffree Star X-Rays, Lesbots,
Banana Rivers, or Random Black Guy in the BG Jacking off.
Not in Navarre or Mary-Esther, anyways.

I'm missing a book. I'm missing my mind.
I should go now. Before I go insane.

(1:33:19 AM):It's up to you.
(1:33:26 AM):I want it to be up to you.
(1:33:34 AM):I don't know what you want.
(1:33:41 AM):So it can't be up to me.
(1:33:47 AM):But you know what you want
(1:33:48 AM):You know exactly what I want.
(1:33:50 AM):which is what I want
(1:33:57 AM):so then what do you want, Shane?
(1:34:03 AM):You.
(1:34:13 AM):Then that's what you can have.

none of this matters anymore because i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.

Dear God:
Please let me have one thing in my life that doesn't fail.
And please, god, let that thing be our love.
i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.

(8:33:48 PM):I'm not stable. I know you're not either, but. I don't know, I'm so fucking out of the ball arena of even being close to stable.
(8:34:21 PM):I stuck by your side, I gave you time, and I didn't leave, I kept trying.

honestly, I won't get to sleep tonight.
It's killing me, boy can't we make this right?

Fact: I miss him so goddamn much.
Fiction: I dreamt about him again last night.


none of this matters anymore for i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.

(10:37:48 PM): No one could compare to you in my eyes, no matter what. You have always been more beautiful, more amazing, and untouchable.

It's bad that I still melt down whenever he says these things, isn't it?

none of this matters anymore. i've seen love and it comes in a form of beauty only a girl named Kady could ever possibly possess.

in an escape from myself.

Once, when I was really depressed, I made a list of things I'd never do again.
One of them was cry.
I've done a lot of crying lately, and I feel so fucking weak.
I cry because of the weather, because of school, because of people.

because of him.
I feel so alone. Everybody is just going on in life.
I'm in neutral. Kind of like Charlie from the Perks.
I hate being like characters.
I want to be myself again.

Really, I'm kind of balancing on the tilt of life.
I want to live, but I also want to die.
I don't know if this pain is worth it.
I'm too numb. Too lost. Too hurt.

I realised the slowest way to kill yourself is to ruin everything you loved.

dot dot dot.

I feel like a failure every day now.
I don't have nice clothes.
I don't have nice hair.
I don't hang out with the nice little ordinary people.
I don't play a sport.
I don't do anything but sit around and mope lately.


I'd be better off dead. Because I'm just dead weight.
Ninety pounds of it.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind stands strong in my favorites of all time.

I don't know where I'm going with this, because I don't know who I am.
What i know is what I like, and what I hate. Your pretty face falls under both.

I like watching television about dead people. dead places. dead movements.
I like watching anything that is considered contraversial.
Give me a marathon of the Steve Wilkos Show, The L Word, Queer as Folk, Skins, Intervention...
I'm set for a while.
I used to love SVU, but it's never on when I look anymore.
Plus, it during the marathon when he broke my heart for the first time.
More than television, I love movies. But not your normal movies.
During the summer I spent my time watching any and every movie I could find that sounded interesting.
I stopped at number one hundred and sixty-something, I think.
I kind of lost track because then school started, and I lost time for everything.

I love playing pretend, dreaming, and writing.
All of these things go hand in hand.
People say I live my life in my head too much.
Maybe it's true, but I think that the world should be glad.
if I were on planet Earth all of the time, people would hate it.
They would hate me a lot more than they do.
When I grow up I want to be a famous writer.
I want to write about things that make people cry, laugh, smile, yell...
and feel like the book was written all for them.

In general, I am afraid. I don't know what I'm afraid of, but I am afraid.
I'm afraid of people. I'm afraid of being loved, but also not being loved.
I'm afraid that one day I will go to sleep and it will be over; it will be the end.
I used to want the end to come sooner than it is, but now...
Now I wish that I could live for another million years.
Maybe reincarnation exists, and I will be able to.
I would do a lot of things differently.

I think the main thing I'm afraid of, though, is me.

period nine to the third power repeating. Elly[bear]

Anything and everything belongs here.
Elly is the side of me that I let everybody see. It's the biggest lie.
She's the happy-go-lucky, nobody can touch me kind of person.
She's the person whom, if you mess with her or somebody she loves, she will kill you.
She gets you to fall in love with her falling in love with you.
Then she pushes you away.

Without her I am lonely and depressed.
But sometimes it's better without her, because she's not afraid.
of anything.
If you offered her pills or alcohol, she'd take it.
That's what makes me wish she were dead.

She used to be Stevie, Steph, whatever you knew her a.
All of that is dead now, though. And that's all that matters.

Oh God, I think I'm falling out of the sky.

Another fucking Holocaust project.
I hate Mrs. Greene.
Je deteste le mechant chienne.
Elle est tres gros est bete.
Je adore parler de elle en français avec mes amis.

That was the best thing I've said in french all year. :]

I like my new bunny suit.

lahfglhglhagl.
I cheated.
Icheated.Icheated.Icheated.
I couldn't remember the answers to my bio test, so I wrote down most of them on my hand.
I felt bad. Fake. False. I felt horrible.
I've only ever cheated on two things before. And both times I got really sick.
But this time, I feel nothing. I feel like I did what I needed to.
It's the survival of the fittest, after all.

planet full of unicorns.

Today was pretty much an average day. Haha, yeah.
I went about trying to get people to say I'm small enough to be a koala.
Cara was high as fuck this morning.
We had a send-off for our girl's basketball team. They're going to the state championship somewhere in FL.
I need an idea for a research paper D: God I hate english.


I kind of want to go to a creative writing program in the summer.
It would be good on my application. But I need to get CAS hours this summer.
Plus it's too expensive.


Oh, I started to help my mom pull up the dead stuff in our garden.
My dad is going to count it as a service project.
So that means I get like 5 CAS hours for it.

BTW, CAS hours are Creative Active Service hours I have to get to be elligible for an IB induction and an IB diploma.
I need 150 by the end of next summer, and I have about fifteen right now.

I feel so weird today, but I don't know why.
I lost my retainer last night.

Oh, I texted Emilie. She's doing good, but I still miss her.
She's one of the most amasing people I've met.
And her moms are pretty kickass, too.
I just wish that I could have the disease instead of her.
She has such a brighter future ahead of her.
If she doesn't come back to graduate, I'm going to make sure we remember her somehow.

My head is exploding and my hand is a krypt.

Sam I am. I do not like green eggs and ham.
Sam I am not. My surname is Sir Lesbot.
I can't breathe you in too deep
I'm sure if I do, I might just sink.
I wish that I could, because then I could stop.
STOP.
And everything would be perfectly benign and dormant.
I hate the weather. I hate the plants. I hate the trees.
I hate the ants that crawled in through the cracks of his mind.
With the spiders that infested his head with thoughts that could not be unthought.
Where is my mind? Where is his mind? Where are everybodies minds?
London bridge. Brooklyn Bridge. Golden Gate, Garden State.
DKZ and Chuck E. Cheese.
Dot dot not. space. dash dot dash dash dot.
SPIDER MONKEY
breatheinbreatheoutbreatheinbreatheout
SHOUT SHOUT LET IT ALL OUT
The sun never sets on the british empire.
There's three ways to solve.
domain kingdom phylum class order family species.
The most moving part was when Iglek was playing Beethoven's concerto (which I bet was the 5th). Then moments later, when Eliezer woke, Iglek and the violin were dead.
dead dead dead!
D.E`A-D!


i promise i'm okay.

point six six six repeating- Lucas.

This was previously Lucy and Demitrius.
The superfaggy boy that could be either a super hero or a super villian.
He's really confusing, but the one I know most about.
He comes out in my words a lot.
He likes to play tricks on people, to make them love me.
But then he ruins all of that and I'm left with nobody.
But I don't know.
Sometimes he wants to run about and get fucking high,
so that he can take over.
Because Stephanie would never ever ever ever do those things.

The one thing I love about him, though.
Is that hardly anybody truly knows him.
He's my little secret.

point three repeating; one side of me- Stephanie

People complain of not knowing me. So I guess... This would help.

I'm not sure if Stephanie is the shell or the core.
It's the least important person of me, but it's the only person that truly exists.
12.30.93. Since then, she/I've changed so much.
I don't even know what Stephanie is like, what part she is.
She's just the default. The generic person everybody is stuck with.
At least until somebody else shows up.
At this point in time, I'm scared that one day nobody else will show up.
Then the world will be left with boring, generic Stephanie.

a word that describes anything and nothing at the same time.

over.

I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, pretending the echoes belong to someone; someone I used to know.

When I was younger, my oldest brother was really distant.
I don't really have any memories of him.
Everybody has these amasing memories of hyperactive Richard,
but I have absolutely no memories of him from when I was younger.
I just remember hitting him with a baseball bat, and fighting with him and Kevin.

Kevin and I used to be best friends.
When I was three, I told him I wanted to marry him
because he was my best friend and my favorite brother.
I regret playing favorites, but sometimes...
I feel like he's my only brother, because Richard doesn't exist to me as a brother.
At least not from when we were younger.

When I was four turning five, we lived in New Orleans.
I went to a private pre-kindergarten(yeah, that's why I'm so smart)
so I really didn't know many people.
Plus, New Orleans isn't like Pensacola-- you can't run around with kids.
I had two friends in my neighborhood, Destiny and Jaqueline.
Plus Kevin, and Frankie (Jaqueline's older brother)
On my fifth birthday, we went to Discovery Zone, and then got popeyes.
I have a picture of that day, but I don't remember much of it.

I just remember that Kevin and I used to have a bunch of jokes between us.
Franklin and Jackie. Turkish Delight.
Now, I feel like Kevin is fading, too.
If I knew how to paint, I would fill him in.
It would be like a color-by-numbers.
No matter what, though, the colors wouldn't be right.
Kevin is too unique. He's not like me, all overrated and trite.
Like a romance novel or an overplayed top 100 song.

The cigarette ash flies in your eyes, and you don't mind.

February 4th, 2007.
I miss that day. I was thirteen, small, awkward, and even then I wasn't sure where my place in the world was.
My brother, mom, and I were out at a local restaurant.
I was in trouble because a few nights before I snuck out.
I was supposed to go to a concert a month and four days later, but they threatened to not let me go.
My brother was about to leave to go bowling with his girlfriend and invited me along.
It was calming.
We played a few games with the bumpers and a few without.
Either way, I kind of sucked. But I love bowling.
Blair and I talked, and I tried to write. I didn't write much that night.
But she got drunk, and in the process of being drunk, convinced my brother to still take me to the concert.
When we were on our way to take me home (we were in Cantonment, where my brother and Blair lived. It's a township that is part of Pensacola, but not.) we stopped at a gas station so they could get cigarettes.
Have you ever paid attention to the lights of a gas station at night?
It makes you feel like you're up in space, about to get on a space ship.
Then we drove off, and the smell of the smoke would flow back into the windows and I could smell it.
I don't think I'll ever smoke, but the smell was comforting.
I could see the lights of the cars behind us reflected in the side mirrors, and the car lights in front of us.
As we drove, I felt amazing. I felt like I belonged.
Then we stopped at a wal mart, and they included me in all of their little jokes.
It was great, but then I was back at home. Back in reality.
That's how I feel every day now.
Something amazing happens, but then I realize it's time to come back down to earth.
Sometimes, I wish I had a way to stay up in space.
I love the idea of just floating up there with stars and planets surrounding me.

I remember when we were driving, driving in your car.

I think... I really do want to marry Kady.
I was going to propose to her once before.
But now... I really want to.
We know we love eachother, and it's just this ominous
thing. That just floats around us whenever we're speaking.
I'd get her the best ring in the world.
I want her to have all of the nice things I can give her.
To know that I love her.

I had a meal last night without getting sick after it.
Hopefully I will have a meal tonight without getting sick.
There's no homework, so nothing to do.
Which is actually kind of lame.

Today was Emilie's last day. I miss her now.
I just... I hope for the best.

Slow dancing in a burning room.

I spent the day today talking to Kady. It reminded me of the summer of or after sixth grade. We talked all night and all day. She made sure I was alive and eating well and sleeping. She was my angel looking after me when I was "sick". I think I'm getting "sick" again.

I broke up with Shane. It was the most bittersweet day of my life. I spent all day making videos back and forth with Kady. About how in our future, sharing a bed with one another would be amazing. And it will be very Canadian. You know how much I love being Canadian.

She is doing the laundry and I am procrastinating. I'm also kind of doing homework, but not really. I wish Kady were my homework. /end sexual joke.

because it's okay to rest for a little while.

I wrote this song for a friend of mine. It's one of those metaphorical songs. She has hodgkins lymphoma, which is a curable type of cancer with a survival rate of 80-90 percent. I spent a few hours at her house today and the walls reminded me of the sun.

You wake up
it's a Monday morning.
The sun is low
but it's ready to rise
and it's ready to shine.
I want to wash your troubles away
I'll be your friend
for as long as you want me to stay.
I'll be a raging river
carrying away the dirt from the ground
and leaving everything brand new.
Hey Emilie,
I'll do this all for you.

We don't have to move around too fast.
You can lay down if you want to.
If it's too early for your eyes
you can close them for a while.
I won't leave you when you're down.
Just promise me
you'll be up again
in time to see the sun rise.

We can take a break from reality
scream along to the radio
in the middle of a morning traffic jam
it's hardly eight a.m.
we don't have to do anything
and we don't have to go around the town.
I'll be here when you wake
to wait for you to put on your face.
I promise you can rest for a while
just promise me
you don't want to go back to sleep.

We don't have to move around too fast.
You can lay down if you want to.
If it's too early for your eyes
you can close them for a while.
I won't leave you when you're down.
Just promise me
you'll be up again
in time to see the sun rise.

So get ready to go.
The sun is up
and it's shining so bright.
It's waiting up in the sky
sending down a message just for you.
It's shining it's brightest today
hoping you'll stay around long enough
to watch it go back down.
And then tomorrow
we can wake up
and wait for it to rise again.

You wouldn't like me if you knew me.

Do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song? Do I push it down or let it run me right into the ground?

There is nothing that I can say about myself that anybody would ever care to know. I know that nobody will ever read this. I do not trust anybody to, really. I always censor myself on the internet, because I know that people are always too quick to judge. I am not the kind of person you would want to take home to your mother and father, after all. It's a good thing you would never want to.

The only thing I am not afraid to say is that my name is not Lucas. I have too many names for all of the sides of me. Maybe you'll get to know one of them, if you're special enough. Nobody knows all of them, trust me. I think I might just try to keep it that way. I am not very trusting of people. I do not trust people to know the truth behind why I am who I am.

Sometimes I think that is why.